One of my very best friends has terminal cancer. Last weekend I was able to spend time with her, and there was this conversation about hospice care. I drove home in disbelief, is this really happening? Am I going to lose her? It’s like I couldn’t believe it. In denial and disbelief.

Then I got mad. I was angry, really pissed to be honest with you. Furious. Like, don’t say anything to me, or I’ll tell you exactly everything that is wrong with you and what you said. I’ll be a bitch, and not care if I make you feel like shit. This went on for days, at work, to clerks, to drivers, to the handyman, the landscaper. Mad that these people didn’t understand how precious life is, and they needed to get it together in my furious opinion about everything in life.

Then the miracle happened. I went to barbell class Thursday night. One of my favorite gym bros setup in front of me. I love him, he teaches me, he cares for me. Adam was teaching the class, and shouted out right before class started “what do you want for a playlist?” I shouted back, “how about disco?” And Adam said, “this is for you Tracy – tonight we do disco for Tracy!” So, for months Adam has thought my name is Tracy, and I haven’t had the heart to correct him. I love him, and I know he is trying to keep track of a lot of names.

But my gym bro wouldn’t have it. So, he turned around, got real close, looked me in the eye, pointed his finger at me and said, “here is how you handle this, you go up to him and say, Hey Bitch, my name is Jill…”

I had the best class, I lifted through my anger, I failed, I sweat. I drove home, and I knew it was like God was talking to me through my gym bro. Let me explain.

I knew, I knew for sure that God was saying I have something to say. All week, I had something to say. Beneath the anger I had something to say. It was a furious “wake up people – anyone who will listen – everyone – this life isn’t given to us lightly – it can be taken away – live fully – be the best person you can be – love relentlessly – appreciate, care!”

I am losing my friend. My friend who reminds me of possibility in almost every conversation. One of the biggest hype women I’ve ever had. Something in all of this waking up in me, that I have something to say, because it is important – I do have an important voice, and message, and for her “Hey Bitch, my name is Jill…” is becoming my mantra to say it all. I have journals full of sayings, blog post ideas, insights, wisdom. I want to be exhausted at the end of the day sharing my love with the world. She has taught me so much, and I think this experience I am in with her may teach me some of my biggest lessons yet.

In honor of this holy mess, and of me, I’m going to write, share, love relentlessly, notice, give, laugh, exercise, practice kindness, more of everything that honors life. I love her so much. She will be proud of my “Hey Bitch, my name is Jill wisdom…” That part of me that really has something to say. I know she will for sure.

I love you,

Jill